Rather than following the same routine and act like a robot programmed to religiously perform certain tasks day in and day out without fail, I wanted to break free. But I just didn’t know how. Besides, a diligent and conservative part of me would ask, ‘Break free from what?’ and ‘At the cost of financial security? What do you get instead? A life full of uncertainties and financial difficulties?’

That was a righteous observation as people around me, who are more successful and older still seemed dedicated to their work and happy to remain so. Wanting to break free being younger and less successful than them seemed like a suicidal act to say the least.

How much should you listen to your heart and how much should you let your brain dictate your life? That is a perennial conundrum, and the one I couldn’t solve.

In the end, fed up with my indecisiveness, I left it to chance. Because by this point, I was serious about studying wildlife documentary productions, I applied for two university courses and decided to wait and see. After all, I am such an anomaly and there was nobody I could turn to for advice as I didn’t fit the mainstream description of someone in their fifties. So rather than agonising over some impossible decisions, why don’t I just leave it to chance?

Fast forward 15 months, and here I am, set to go to Bristol to study wildlife filmmaking for a master’s degree.

I am absolutely over the moon as it is the best course for those who want to work in the industry. Weaving stories about wild creatures is my passion and an art form I would love to master. But at the same time, I am terrified as I could be tossing out my career that had spanned more than 26 years for something that might lead to nowhere.

Recently back at my local park, a group of juvenile kestrels were flying around energetically, trying their luck with crickets in the grass which are easier for them to catch therefore a perfect hunting practice till they can master the art of catching voles. Watching them perch and take off to the skies, I had a eureka moment.

They must have been terrified of taking off when they did it for the first time. Besides, not every single lift-off they initiate lands them a meal. Would that put them off taking off again? Absolutely not. Every time they take off, do they worry that the hunt might end in failure? I think they are more single-minded than that. Aim, fly, hopefully catch. If you refuse to take off for fear of being unsuccessful, then you are deciding your own fate - death.

Here, I must refer you to a chapter in Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari, as it hits the nail on the head regarding the tradeoffs humans made in return for life free of hunger. The chapter is titled ‘The Agricultural Revolution - History’s Biggest Fraud.’

When humans were hunter-gatherers, our existence was always side by side with hunger. So overcoming hunger became such a big objective. Then came agriculture. By choosing to become settlers, we were promised to conquer hunger and obtain better life. But are we far less hungry and happier by a big margin as a result? As the title of the chapter implies, Harari argues that it was a false promise, a trap, even. Growing crops has turned out such an arduous task constantly requiring interventions, and plentiful harvest is far from the norm, affected by climate and various other adverse conditions.

Admiring the beautiful poses these young kestrels make as they took to the skies, I was thinking I should learn from those kestrels. More precisely, I should learn how to get back in touch with the hunter-gatherer inside of me and let him take charge. As a first step, I’ve overcome my fear of taking off. So I just need to keep on practicing it until ‘flying and catching nothing’ becomes no big deal.